LOVE. What did you do to me? Let life stretch out before me and break me. I am made of many things but... only now do I see the big picture.
So here I am, in London. I have been exploring this city again. It was my place of home for 10 years. I arrived here at age 18 with wide eyes and a spring in my step, full of anticipation and wonder. I studied and full of perfectionism, I created art, I created friends, I buried my head in passion, I went full throttle. I burnt out. I turned older, wiser and then I left. I went back and I worked, hard. I worked in the Creative Industry as a Project Manager, I ran an Art Gallery/ Shop, I freelanced as a Costume Designer and Stylist and then I transitioned in to Production, mostly producing Music Video and Events. All the while I practiced Yoga. From age 15 Yoga was my staple. No matter where I was, what I was doing, I practiced Yoga. In times where my practice was less, as it does become sometimes, life was too full. So I reconnected and I prioritised the beauty of rituals and making Yoga a discipline that it not only a dedicated part of my life, it enhances living in so many ways. Why? Because it's life force, it's energy, it's connection, it is full on heart and soul, body, breath and unity with not only you, but the entire world around you.
I fell in love in London, I had my first baby in London, I lived in warehouses, flats with friends and strangers, I danced there, I cried there, I loved it, I hated it. But most of all, I built a relationship with it that was raw, honest and truthful.
Could you take my place and stand here?
Today in London, I wore a dress that said Peace, Love and Freedom and as I exited a very delicious Jivamukti Yoga Class, a lady read it out aloud as I stood redressing. I said yes - what more could we wish for.
Three words - peace - freedom - love.
Ultimately, what I have come to acknowledge whilst being back here, is that wherever we are, we build a relationship with it, the landscape, the people, the place in its whole form and with that, it forms a part of you. It holds memories that live within us and when we revisit the place, they come flooding back. Connection is remade with the memories. They can be triggered by the sights, the smells and so on. Our senses. We are sensitive beings. It is incredible what we attract, in fact. A dear Yoga friend of mine here, that I have loved reconnecting with, pointed out the attractions I have, and its often with those that are tender. Those that are raw in so many ways. This can be intense, but that, I guess, is me too by nature.
Only now do I see the big picture... as sings London Grammar, whom I currently am in Love with!
It's not quite true, I am beginning to see. In every step, I see. I take time, to see. To look and to listen, to what is right here. Wherever we are. As we can move around all over the place, yet what is right here?
I know that within myself I seek connection, I seek positivity, I seek openess, I seek love - in all shapes and forms and I seek that in others too.
I love so many things about this life. I try and focus on those in actual fact. I try to observe the things I don't love and ask myself why? why? why? why? It is a useful exercise. But I am scared of loneliness, even when I am surrounded by people. I love being alone. Yet I never am, really. We are connected.
It was phenomenal in fact, I was sitting and drinking coffee back in my old stomping ground in East London on Saturday, my favourite Vietnamese Coffee stall at London Fields Broadway Market, doing my usual thing of people watching, listening to street musicians and awaiting old friends to arrive for long awaited catch ups. My friend and I then became immersed in deep conversation about just this, how I feel sometimes the witness so heavily that you can become so detached from the reality of people and situations, as you just see them as if they are not real, disengaged with the narrative and the illusion of it all.
We acknowledged the need to then, as people, to re-earth. To ground again.
And yet, at that moment, along came a homeless looking man, asking if in exchange for some small change, he could make us something from a bunch of wire that he had in his hand. I looked at this man, and not only did he look identical to someone once every dear to me (yet dirty and dischevalled), he spoke and had the same accent and was born in the same country as them. It was as if, he was him! As if he was a version of this man I once knew and it was as if he was showing me this man again, in a way that demonstrated if this mans life had taken a very different turn, whom he would become. It was as if he was both a projection of my past, revealing the future, yet fully in my present life. It was as if I had met him in a previous life too. Like we were the same people, undemanding this, yet in a lifetime where our paths could not directly cross in a way that we made a connection of another kind, yet we still continued the cycle of connecting each and every lifetime, in a different way. This time me as a single lady visiting London on a chance encounter and him, homeless and free, yet tormented by his pathway in life.
This street man was so full of heart, he was full to the brim with a narrative you could almost breathe it in and yet he said very little. I looked in to his eyes and I could see a whole world of stories. I could see nothing but goodness. I could see how the world was so hard for him to live in and to digest because he himself was so alive. So connected to this life beyond what we can see with our eyes, that he couldn't cope. That he chose escapism instead. He ended up on the street making things for small change, that helped him get what he needed to have mind altering experiences that simply helped him feel normal. He made me each of my childrens names out of copper wire in 3seconds, that stood up, one with a heart on the end and another with a bike on the end of the last letter and they were beautiful. They are beautiful! My friend then looked up at him, without me yet having said aloud my observations to her or to him. "you look just like ****" I was stunned. She knew very well this man once dear to me. I then looked up to him and said I feel like I know you and he said to me at almost the same instant "I feel ike I know you, and was about to say the same thing". I felt like I knew him without even needing to ask a single question. I just knew his thoughts, feelings, his heart. It was so powerful. My friend acknowledged how well looked after his dog was too, always a good sign. Then he said "hold on" and he just began saying some of the most simplest and yet meaningful words, as he humbly insisted on making me a flower with four petals that he described as the elements. I was blown away and as you can probably tell, I STILL AM. Then, he took some change and he vanished in to the distance. Yet not from my memory. He made a mark.
Excuse me for a while, while I am wide eyed again and I am so damn caught in the middle.
Why did I tell you this story? Well, I guess because it is when we are open to feeling, observing, and not dismissive of whatever life presents to us. When we see the bigger picture! To slow down and observe, we feel. We connect. We see the teachings, the lessons and the blessings that life is presenting to us in each and every moment of everyday.
In class this week - connect to the the inner most biorhythms including pulse, breath and weight of bones. You will explore some poses with closed eyes, some flowing movements and some tension release exercises.
Feel! Connect. Embrace. Truth is a beautiful thing.
Hell to the Liars - Here's to the things you LOVE!